Julie’s Simple and Easy Medium IQ Test
A jab at writing and reading on Medium
Lately, Medium has been feeling less like a writer’s paradise and more like a chaotic group project where everyone shows up late with half-baked ideas and clickbait titles.
Between algorithm woes, curation mysteries, and a distinct lack of actual readers, the site has become the perfect place for a nagging sense of doubt disguised as self-growth. So, if you’ve ever wondered if you’re truly cut out for this wild ride of claps, stats, and empty promises of viral fame, take Julie’s Simple IQ Test! It’s not scientifically proven, but then again, neither is the claim that waking up at 3 a.m. for work will make you a billionaire. Because if that’s the case I’d be one by now.
1. How do you measure success on Medium?
A. By the number of claps on your article.
B. By the insightful comments you received (because only real people leave insightful comments).
C. By the disappointment after seeing “0 views” despite having a perfect click-bait SEO title.
2. True or False: Adding “10 Ways to Succeed on Medium” to your headline guarantees you’ll be a millionaire by tomorrow.
3. What’s the best way to get Medium readers to read your stories?
A. Write about AI and why you shouldn’t use it on Medium.
B. Write about writing on Medium.
C. Tag every single writer you can find on Medium whether you know them or not.
4. You’ve published an article, but no one is reading it. What’s the problem?
A. It’s not about AI and why you shouldn’t use it on Medium.
B. It’s not about writing on Medium.
C. The algorithm hates you personally.
5. What’s the first thing every new Medium writer learns?
A. For every 1,000 people you follow maybe one of them will follow you back.
B. That no matter how authentic your writing sounds the algorithm will think you are a bot.
C. No one reads past the paywall.
6. What do Medium readers really want?
A. To learn how to wake up at 3 a.m. like a billionaire.
B. To hear about your deeply personal trauma in 800 words or less.
C. To learn how to write on Medium.
7. Why does every Medium article have an odd-numbered list?
A. It’s easier than writing paragraphs.
B. Readers can stop at #3 and pretend they read the rest.
C. Odd numbers make you look smart.
8. What should you do if your Medium article flops?
A. Write another one about “Why Your Medium Articles Flop.”
B. Move to Substack.
C. Blame the algorithm.
9. What is the ultimate Medium writer’s dream?
A. To make more than $0.01 from your articles this month.
B. To be mistaken for someone who knows what they’re doing.
C. To be clapped and followed by a stranger who isn’t a bot.
10. Finally, what’s the secret to success on Medium?
A. Write like no one is reading (because they aren’t).
B. Write about Medium.
C. Give up coming up with your own ideas and just answer Julie’s Simple IQ Test instead.
Congratulations! You’ve completed Julie’s Simple IQ Test, and guess what? There are no real answers. Your IQ was zero when you started and it still is. That’s right, just like figuring out Medium’s algorithm, life itself is a mystery. Whether you answered A, B, C, or decided to skip the whole thing and make up your own quiz instead, the result is the same: we’re all just shouting into the digital void, hoping someone hears us. Shoot, the way things are going I’ll be lucky if two people even read this.
So go forth, write another Medium article that no one asked for, and no one wants to read, and remember that the only true genius here is the one who created Medium in the first place and convinced us to pay for this wonderful experience.
